The Me Yet to Come

Vacation

I am doing something insanely spontaneous and fabulous and probably completely insane.  I decided two nights ago to go visit a friend for four days.  I booked the flight last night and I leave at 7 am on the 4th.  I went on my first vacation in 11 years this past October and here I am just deciding last minute to hop on a plane and go across the country for the hell of it.  I can't decide if I've lost my mind or I am trying to make sure I don't lose it by doing this.  I just need to get out of here.  I will miss my little gimpy girl and that is the only thing I am worried about.  The cats will be fine... hell, they'll be thrilled to have the place to themselves for 4 days. 

I'm so excited.  New lands, new adventures.

Yay!

Upheaval

I hate upheaval of any sort.  I am comfortable with change these days, but complete upheaval I am not a big fan of. 

After a very long week of work where tensions were high as we got closer to the closing of the salon, I just hated the feeling of knowing I was going to have to disconnect from that place.  Don't get me wrong, I know that all things happen for a reason and that this is supposed to happen but I am so sad and slightly defeated right now.  I'm feeling the desire for someone to rub my head and tell me it's all going to be ok but alas, I am the only one who can do that right now.  And I'm not doing such a good job of it. 

Today really took it out of me... took all wind right out of the sails.  I'm sitting outside tonight, lying on my hammock just trying to breathe air, feel the wind on my skin, and rest in the fact that I will be ok.  I do know I will be ok... I really do... but this has been really tiring.  Having had this same kind of major upheaval only a year ago, well, it's just sort of sucked me dry.  I also know that the adrenaline of being in a new place next week will be good and bad, mostly good and then I'll have a four day weekend to rest and settle into this new job. 

There are many worse things in the world, I know, but today I am having a pity party.  So be it.

Eighty Two Words

I know I've written about the power of words before.  Many times.  However, I need to reiterate again how amazing they can be! 

I woke up this morning in a frenzy.  I knew I had to get Trixie to the vet, me to t-Mobile and get to work on time.  Last night I had stayed up late feeling a little sick to my stomach trying to compose the 'right' email to send to my clients about the work situation.  I didn't want to place blame, nor did I want to make anyone sound bad, but being the honest type I felt they should know that my move isn't exactly something I'm thrilled about and that I will be needing their help to spread the word.  I sent out the email last night to about 100 people and would send the other 200 or so in the morning.  Sending that many emails is tough... my server can't take it so I have to break it up into smaller lists, etc... and I had mucked with it enough last night.  So, this morning I woke up in kind of a not-so-happy mood.  Then I was rushing to make sure I got everything I needed to get done DONE but I had two minutes to spare so I opened my laptop and checked my email.  There among several returned emails was an email that was so incredibly sweet that my whole mood changed. 

Eighty two words.  Eighty two kind words and all was right in my world. 

It's hard to remember sometimes how much power words carry.  I've known this little tidbit for a long time, however, reading incredibly kind words that were completely unexpected this morning just really made my day. 

I hope I have that effect every now and then. 

Wheeeee!

Or shall I say "Wii!"   I raced V to the Mc tonight online and DAYUM it was fun.  I must have looked like the world's biggest dork, however, hopefully only my furry creatures witnessed it. 

I should so be asleep right now.  I'm supposed to meet A at 6 am to get myself back on track with working out.  I've been a complete slacker over the last few weeks and I've got to get back into the swing of it.  I can't believe I'm actually going to type these words, but, I actually miss it.  Who'd a thunk it?  I do not think I'm going to make it this morning, though.  I'm too wound up to sleep and the gym extravaganza would be in less than 5 hours.  Me thinks not.  Tomorrow.  I'll do it tomorrow, I swear. 

I miss J.  Strangely, I miss V.  I really really don't want to move to another salon.  I want my Trixie to no longer be depressed and in pain. 

"If wishes were changes..."

Sigh

I miss V-to-the-MC and J-to-the-I.  I had breakfast with J this morning and had a nice 90 minute talk.  We only had about an hour last weekend at Chez Lulu to try and fit in as much important stuff as we could, which was not nearly enough, but at least this morning I made sure we got right down to business and talked and it was good.  As I said before, it's nice to be around people who you have known for a long time.  Twenty years!  They just know you in a way that feels right.  I am so lucky to have those around me all the time.  Chef Shouty I've  known since birth, W I've known for something like 15 years, M I've known for 20 years, and so forth and so on.  It's vital to have those kinds of people in your life.  Or at least it is for me.

And I miss them when they are gone.  Me and J are going to plan another trip for me.  I need to go the Spa I for a bit again.  It was so nice. 

One Down...

Ok, so I have a new job.  Thank god.  It's killing me not to be able to take possession of the space I am currently in, however, if it was meant to be it would have happened, I suppose.  That space has so much potential... and I could have brought the Trixie to work with me forever but that is not to happen right now.  Such is life.

May I also mention that I am so happy that I am 'half-dude'!  I've always called myself that because of my aptitude for many 'dude' things, i.e. video games, hooking up electronic equipment, using power tools, etc...  and yet balance that out with being a hairstylist and makeup artist who loves some girlie stuff.  Anyway, I am sometimes astounded by how some women are so sensitive to things... how easily their feelings get hurt... how stereotypical 'women' can be.  I am known to get my feelings hurt occasionally, however, I am the one in charge of allowing them to get hurt.  Yes, I can take offense to things sometimes, but give me a little time to mull it over and I'll either see the error of my ways or their ways and buck up and deal.   I'm also thankful that my friends seem to have this ability as well.  I understand friends sticking up for one another, however, I also expect my friends to be rational about things and think for themselves.  Just because I am upset or not fond of someone I would never expect everyone else around me to follow suit.  In the past couple of weeks I have dealt with or heard of so much bizarre jealousy, coup attempts that don't exist, hurt feelings over the silliest of things, and let me tell you:  I am damn glad I am half-dude.  I had more fun hanging with J and V the other night being 'one of the guys' and even though most of my female friends are girlie in their own ways, 9 out of ten of them seem to know when it's rational to have hurt feelings and when they are simply being irrational and suck it up and move on.

This coming week is going to be hard as hell:  the last week with the rantings of a lunatic, missing my friends when they go home, having to call 500 people to let them know I am changing jobs, watching my little furry baby limp and be hurt... I do not look forward to it, however, this too shall pass.  I've got yet another new beginning.  Man, they seem to be coming faster and faster over the last five years, eh?

Can't Go Back Now

Alright. It's true. I'm having a bit of a melt-down. I've got the most pitiful pup in history, my professional future is, shall we say, swaying in the wind, and I am currently so sleep deprived I can't even think straight. Not that I ever do. I feel like Holly Hunter in Broadcast News, just having a good 30 second hysterical cry.

Just a mere two months ago my job seemed fine. Two weeks ago my pup was the healthiest she had been in the 2+ years I've had her and I was happily happily single. When I went to the last opening I had just found out about my job. I was not happy, slightly cranky, and hadn't eaten since 2. I was expecting to do my usual schmoozing, garbage tossing, visit with old friends, hang out with a few people afterwards (this all meaning that I am the worst gallery volunteer in history) and go home. Pretty standard art opening fare. I knew I loved the art work, however, I was not expecting to get so tanked, and then meet the artist and end up spending lots of time with him enjoying an intensely dry sense of humor, a shared love of the Wii, and to be honest, being treated sweeter, and having more thoughtful things done for me by a man than I have experienced in years. Perhaps even ever. Don't get me wrong, a few men here and there have sent roses, written sweet notes, etc... however, they had known me just long enough to want to woo me for the possibility of a 'relationship' or we were simply already on the fast track to a relationship.

This one just hit me out of the blue, completely unexpected and wonderfully affirming: there are nice men out there! Talented, creative, sweet, funny, thoughtful men. Who the fuck knew? Granted, I realize I've only known this gentleman a couple of weeks, however, so many men have proven themselves to be selfish, rude, and way less than thoughtful in WAY less time than two weeks. I really feel astoundingly lucky to have had this experience and I have a new friend to boot. I have told my sister and friends that when you date someone, even if only for one date, hopefully in some way they have 'raised the bar'.

My bar has been raised. Really fucking high. Thank god.

I admit I am sad that he lives there and I live here, however, such is life. It is what it is and we are to learn what we learn. I know I am getting a major life lesson with my job situation, especially having had the same situation twice in exactly one year. Of course everyone knows I love my dog and will and would do anything for her, however, just when I thought seeing her seize was bad, I see her not be able to walk and it breaks my heart in a million pieces. But damn, I love her. How lucky I am to have her!

As I sit here listening to a song I was just introduced to, Weeping a little (a lot) with Trix lying at my feet with her sad plastic halo on her head and her huge stapled wound on her leg, I still know that I am exactly where I am supposed to be, feeling exactly how I am feeling. All of these things will lead me on some sort of journey, good or bad, happy or sad, but it is what it is.

It's life. And I'm finally living it.

Crazy Sexy Cool

And did I mention Crazy?

It seems that I will either be looking for a new job or owing a business with two friends within the next couple of weeks. I have a line on a job, so it's cool... no matter what happens, I'm employed, and even if I'm not, I know I could get a job rather quickly. However, my hopes are to stay where I am, with people I trust in a business situation and finally enjoy the fruits of my labor instead of feeling like I'm working to save someone else's ass all the time. A great deal of shit will be going down as far as my employment status goes in the next couple of weeks and I would really really REALLY appreciate some good thoughts, prayers, chants... whatever floats your boat. I know strangely that this house is where I am supposed to be with these people. It's a matter of convincing one of them that it can be beautiful and that it can be home to her. I just know that once she's in there and she has her own space, with her own things that she will find the beauty in it that I have. If not, then we'll find a place we can all agree on during the next year. I just know that the universe is shining on us as a threesome and making it happen. We deserve this goodness. We do. Really.

In other news I've been having fun with a new, talented, thoughtful, and hilarious friend. He's only here for this week, possibly next week, too (depending how damned cute and enticing I am) and will be a great new friend to visit in L.A. It's so weird... in the last few weeks I have had the wonderful gift of reconnecting with old production buddies as well as college friends who are actors in L.A. and now I have this new wonderful friend in L.A.! Me thinks I need to take a trip there! AND to top of my joy, my sweetest most wonderful J is coming in from AZ tomorrow. I have no clue when I will see him over the next week or so, all I know is that I can't wait to see his face and hug his strong shoulders. He's such a light in my life. Such a grounding and positive force.

The amazing thing is that he's coming at a time when I need 'business' help (he owns his own incredibly successful business) and I'm just here for him to be grounded with. We've known each other since I was in college and he was in high school: when we are together, there's the groundedness of knowing someone for a great deal of time. It's just comfortable and right. I'm lucky to have so much of that in my life. More than that, I just can't wait to see his silly ass face. He makes me laugh like no other.

So, even when life throws you some wicked, yet slightly expected curveball, all you need are friends and your own belief that things will simply be ok. I know for the first time in my life that I am going to be ok. No matter what comes my way.

I'm strong. I'm proud. I'm working on myself constantly.

What more could I ask for?

Secret Message

Here's what I need from my friends:

Good thoughts for my job and for things to fall in place in the most perfect way. I need to know that if things do fall in place in exactly the way I want them to, that I will need help. Many helping hands in a short period of time. I need for people to send good vibes to people who are involved that might feel hurt... I want them to know it's all for the better.

Send vibes for all around success for this girl if you can. Opportunities don't always arise like this... I want to grab this stallion and ride it with my friends on each side of me.

Hi. My Name is Lena and I'm a Dance Nerd.

So, this evening I watched the much anticipated (by ME) season finale of Step it Up and Dance and I cried and cried. Granted, I am PMSing, however, I know I would have cried just hard, minus any hormonal issues.

Dance was an early love of mine and then the self-confidence in my dance got knocked out of me when I was the fattest kid in dance class. It didn't matter how well I leapt, no matter how beautiful my jete was, or my extensions. I was the fat kid. I took dance for nine years and it was such a passion. It still is. Hence my hysteria tonight.

Here I sat, watching these kids dance with such great emotion. I mean it poured out of them like liquid gold and the beauty, expression and passion that they showed in their movements and in their face just overwhelmed me. For those who have seen me dance (like a moron) know that I dance full throttle and I could give a rats ass if people think I'm coordinated or not. Much like the gifts of singing, drawing, any artistic endeavor... it's something that whether we do it well or not, it's incredible! I have two legs that can move in rhythm to music! I have vocal chords that can make joyous sounds! I have hands that can paint, badly or not! That, my friends, is a gift!

Anyway, Cody won and though Mochi did the most amazingly beautiful performance, Cody just blew my mind and always has. Yes, he's a technically perfect dancer, but tonight, for once, you saw all this great emotion welling up inside him and he told all about it through is body. God, they were all beautiful though. I feel sorry for people who can't be moved by such things.

I will take another dance class. I want to express myself again in that way.

God. It's stunning.