I had a late night conversation a couple of days ago on the patio of a bar while it was raining and lightning. The subject was how amazing it is that you can love someone for a very long time and then one day, it's just gone. No matter how hard you try to retrieve it you simply can't. The gentleman I was with was saying that it had been over for his now ex-wife for a very long time while he had not reached that point. He still was in love and as present in the relationship as he could be. He was blindsided and though he has been divorced for a couple of years I could tell he was still perplexed by it all.
I've been there. My ex checked out about a year before I did. I clung on for dear life without even realizing the relationship was dead and when I was informed it was dead, I still couldn't quite grasp it. How can I still be in love and he not be in love anymore? What flipped the switch? The ending of my relationship was horrible... I was still in love and he moved on. Literally. He was married and with child within a few months of moving out. I was devastated. He was living the life he and I were supposed to have with someone other than me! How dare he!?
It took me about 2 years to get over that, but when I finally was able to breathe again I decided to make contact with my ex. I feared what I would feel... would it stir emotions in me? Would I succumb to his charms again? The amazing answer is: no. I felt nothing. Time really had healed old wounds! I had no idea that was possible. I could look at him and talk to him and not feel any of those old feelings. I just love him as this wonderful friend who knows me in a way that none of my other friends know me. He feels like a really amazing soulmatefriend.
Last night I went to a party thrown by a lovely couple, the husband being someone I was madly in love with for years. MADLY. Young, serious unrequited love. And again, it's still so funny to me that I feel nothing now. I still adore him and loved all the fun we used to have together but I look at him and feel none of those old feelings. I don't think I could dredge up even a tiny one of those feelings if a gun was pointed at my head. The heart and brain are amazing that way.
It's nice to know that time does heal wounds and that we can be friends with old lovers or old loves without any emotional repercussion. I get to have wonderful friends who I might have once loved intensely or longed for with great passion, but now I just get to enjoy the friendship in a wonderfully authentic way.
Speaking of authentic, becoming an authentic person in the last decade has been really amazing. Speaking the truth without fear is a beautiful thing. Instead of always being "fine!" or "doing great!" I can say "Well, right now I'm not so good" and not feel guilty for not smiling and being the happy one who makes everyone laugh. I was told recently that my honesty is a bit like a 2x4 to the face, and though I hate that it seems that harsh, I'm still so proud of myself for not being the old me that feared speaking the truth, feared judgment, succumbed to guilt at every turn and was so busy making everyone else happy that I nearly killed myself with neglect.
I've gone through so much change in the last few years that it's really quite unreal. I truly think the only things in my life that haven't changed are my profession and my incredible friends who've gone through all this craziness with me, supported me, cheered me on, were proud of me, honest with me, nursed me, loved me and lifted me up whenever I needed it. Fuckin' A I'm lucky.
Comments