The Me Yet to Come

Chez Fon Fon

Is Chez fabulous!  I'm slightly buzzy from my delicious drinks and completely overwhelmingly full from my steak and pommes frites and the AMAZING stacked tomato appetizer.  I won't even mention the lemon meringue tarte that pretty much rocked my world.  The food was fantastic and the company was lovely.

I had a lovely day today, actually.  After receiving perhaps the worlds sweetest gift from a lovely man from far off lands last night, I ended up having three cancellations today.  Normally this would bother me, however, it fell perfectly so I got to get my oil changed, my tires rotated, I shopped a bit in downtown Homewood and then came home to hang with my dog and sit in the sun for about an hour.  Then I headed back to work, did a few heads of hair and then headed out to my dinner date with a friend and had an excellent time.  I had never been to Chez Fon Fon, so given the opportunity I took it and I'm damned glad I did.  Our waiter was excellent and when he saw my credit card he asked if I was related to this fabulous local drummer.  Of course, I said!  So, I am going to try and hook  this sweet kid up with my cuz.  I swear, just when I think I know everyone in town I realize my cousin has me totally beat. 

Well, I am exhausted  and off to bed.  What a lovely day I had today and what a lovely surprise I got in the mail yesterday.  I'm a grateful girl.  Very.

Weekends

God I love them.  This week has nearly killed me, however.  I haven't worked this many hours in a week in years.  I am officially, absolutely, purely exhausted.  My sweet Trixie has been so neglected and my house is a frightening wreck.  A few ten hour days in a row... well, this old girl can't do that anymore.  Then dinner plans with various folks afterward and I'm pretty much a zombie.   Thank god for my sweet adopted son/hottie T for helping me out the last few days.  If he hadn't been there to be my  comic relief and  interference runner I would have truly lost my mind.  I miss his daily presence so much.  He really did keep me sane.  Damn him and his desire for higher education!

Hopefully after a weekend of fun, music, time spent with my niece and her new friend who also happens to be a client I should feel slightly more normal.  I plan on some more sunning and swimming and water therapy with Trixie on Monday which really made me feel pretty damn good last week and I am going to start my wicked workouts this week, too.  I've got to do some serious cardio/calorie burning.  I saw my plastic surgeon today and he seemed really really really pleased with his work.  And let me tell you, he is the most sweet man in history.  Every time he sees me he tells me how beautiful I am.  Considering his whole world is about aesthetics and that he is there to make people more beautiful most of the time, well, his compliment means the world to me.  And he doesn't hand them out all the time.  He really means them and his sweet words make my day every time.  I am incredibly lucky to have him as my doc. 

I've got a busy week and weekend ahead, but most of it is going to be damn fun and damn social.  Not quite as much about work THANK GOD.  I need some fun this week.  Serious fun.

Fascinating

The most interesting things can come about when you tend to go places by yourself.  I am well known to go to dinner after work all by myself to decompress before I go home to my sweet pup and felines.  This evening I ended up having the most fantastic conversation with a lovely gentleman named W.H.  My neck kissing friend T introduced us since we were sitting next to each other and we ended up talking about everything from the North Georgia mountains to World War 2.  Real conversation!  What a concept!

I complimented his hat, which he told me he had bought at some outlets in the North Georgia mountains.  I, of course,  having been there due to my ex, J, playing in Dahlonega was mighty familiar with that particular outlet mall.  I remember J saying that all the women had a frightening sort of zombie-like-glazed-over look when they arrived at those outlets.  He was right.  I know I did.  A Pottery Barn and Williams Sonoma outlet?  Jesus, what more could a girl ask for!? 

I digress.  W.H. and I discussed many, many things.  I should have asked him far more questions because I can guarantee you this man has had a mighty interesting history.  He asked me many questions about myself and somehow I ended up giving him a brief history of Lena and her family story.  He told me about having taught math to students and doing it in a way I might have actually learned to love math. He told me more about the story of the "lawn Jockey" icon that came from Jocko and it's significant role of the underground railroad.  We discussed the sad state of the youth of america, both black and white/rich and poor and their ignorance to their own history and how that ignorance plays into their feelings of entitlement, etc...

Ah, the things we learn when we start talking to people around us and more importantly, what we learn when we listen to the people around us. He listened to me and I hope sometime I get a chance to listen to him more. People like him, and people in general have a great deal to teach me, much like I have a great deal to teach those who've lived a little less than I or simply lived differently than I.  Body language alone speaks volumes and he leaned in and listened with purpose which few people do these days.  It's why I wept a bit when someone I find interesting actually heard me when I mentioned my adoration of Dr. Seuss and the Sneetches.  He actually listened, recorded that tiny bit of information and then dazzled me with his use of that information.  Just imagine what we could do for each other, much less what we could do for humanity if we listened more.  I need to listen far more.

I talk too much and don't listen enough.  I've got lots to learn in this lifetime, that's for sure.

Working My Ass Off

Yep, that's what I'm doing. In all ways.

The new job is really really good. I've had so many clients say that this is by far their favorite place I've worked which is an amazing relief. If I can simply get the phone calls under control then I will be doing fantastic as far as work goes.

Before the job/Trixie ACL/JtotheIvisit/VtotheMcwonderfulness I was really working out regularly. Far more regularly than I had since me and K stopped having a personal trainer. I realized when I fell off the wagon how horrible I really felt and how much better I was feeling when I was exercising. It's funny, it's much like when I quit smoking: I kept thinking "Damn, I quit smoking for what?! I don't feel any better!!!" Then one day you realize how much better you really do feel. When I stopped working out I realized how much better I had been feeling. The anesthesia disease was far less noticeable while I was working out. Now? I feel like ass. So back to the gym am I. I emailed Viv and she's working up a training plan for me all the way from Seattle. I told her what I wanted to work on and she's going to send me a detailed plan. She was the most amazing trainer EVER so I'm really glad to have her in my corner, even from so far away.

I also called the plastic surgeon's office today to find out what my next surgical undertaking will cost. I need to know a ballpark figure so I can begin to save up for it. And Viv is going to help me be in the best shape possible for it, so that is wonderful. I would like to drop 10-12 pounds before I have surgery so that I can be in peak form (for this girl, anyway).

I must say, even for not having worked out in a while I'm amazed at how efficient my body can be at times. Tonight at the gym I got a thumbs up from one of the ripped trainers on the exercise I was doing. I see these men and women doing all these ab crunches so quickly and I think to myself "You do realize your neck and back are doing most of the work, right?" Five years ago I would have been doing the same thing they are and thought I was kicking ass, but now I realize how to isolate those muscles and it's not about speed, but about efficacy. I lie on that ball, practically in a backbend and find my abdominal muscles and then allow them to raise me up as far as they'll raise me, and then I let them lower me. My head is dangling there as if by a string but it's the only way I know I'm using what I am supposed to use. I will be glad when I work back up to running more again. I know that made me feel better, too. I ran for about 3 minutes tonight and then walked on an incline for awhile, but mostly I just wanted my heart rate up before I did all my machines, etc... It's amazing how well I can keep my heart rate up even when I am not officially doing cardio. It really is amazing what my new body can do. It's quite astounding.

I am very glad to have stopped myself from spiraling out of control. The job/dog situation as well as my happiness in other ways really gave me these very valid excuses to not take care of myself and I simply cannot do that again. Ever. I plan on going out west a couple more times this year and I even though I am having fun I have to remember that leading up to it and coming home from it is not a time to let it all go to hell. I can enjoy my time away from home which is a marvelous new way of taking care of myself, but once I'm home I have to take care of me in a different way. I have to keep this body in the best shape I can. No slacking. God knows I know where that can get me.

And if I can just get Trixie to use that back left leg of hers, she and her mom will be doing mighty fine.

Shock and Awe

Have you ever had someone do something so nice you can't even believe it?  I have always been overwhelmingly blessed to have friends who are incredibly thoughtful and loving as most of you know since I babble about it quite frequently here.  When your friends and some family are willing to nurse you, bathe you, put gauze and ointments in mighty private places you tend to realize how lucky you are.  Here's the thing, though:  they've known me a long time to grow to love me and want to do these things. 

Yesterday I got the most magnificent surprise in the mail... the most thoughtful, sweet, delightful surprise.  I'm a girl with pretty healthy self-esteem in a great many ways but honestly, having someone do something so dear for me, someone who has only known me a short time... well, hell, it's just something I kind of can't process!  Am I worthy of good things?  Kind things?  Yes, I think so.  I'm just not used to a man actually thinking it, too!  Yes, whether we like it or not we tend to put our best foot forward when wooing someone but I honestly don't care.  This lovely man heard something I said in passing, remembered it and later acted on it in the loveliest of ways.  Even if it's the only time in life I get to have something so sweet to enjoy, that's ok.  It happened.

Thank you.  Thank you thank you thank you. 

First Full Week Down

The last few weeks have been hard... some of it fantastic, some of it super-suck, however, god knows it's all a learning lesson.  This was my first full week at my new job and it's gone suprisingly well.  My clients seem to like the new place and once I have my own room I think they will be even more happy there.  Though my former boss had many many problems, I am still surprised by her desire to screw me over as well as her overwhelming desire to self-destruct.  Hopefully she will give me the money she owes me and I can let that anger go.  If not, I fear I will be quite pissy on that subject matter for quite awhile. 

I had dinner with my sister and niece tonight and that was great.   However, here is the highlight of my evening thus far...

You truly haven't lived until you've watched your injured pup chase her own tail on three legs. 

Good times. 

Strange

It's odd to miss someone you just met.  I can't say that I've experienced that very often.  This is when being an 'instant gratification' girl doesn't really serve me well.  However, I wouldn't trade it.  No sirreeee.

Life

Life. It's such a marvelous thing and yet sometimes can feel like such a burden. There have been times in my life where I wished I wasn't alive. I wanted to be Six Feet Under and out of my self-made misery. Sometimes when things become overwhelming, I feel a little like I want to go into a self-induced coma; not really death, but a nice, peaceful sleep where I don't have to feel or think or do. Just sleep. In the past, there were times I did want actual death: an end to the misery.

Life. These days it's new and strange. Sometimes I wish for my old, very predictable life. However, most of the time I am extremely grateful for the gift that I have now. Life. I have life. A Life. Yes, a real life. One in which I do things with people and experience new joys and sorrows, etc... Am I interested in a man? Yes. Having a life means that opportunities arise more than they used to. This also makes it very clear as to what is "real" and what is "fun". Having a teenagers dating experience at 40 years old makes things much more clear. I can emotionally disconnect when needed which is something that a 20/30-something Lena could not have done. This Lena can do it. If someone isn't interested then ok... I can rationally realize that people need what they need and move on. The 20/30-something Lena would dissect and contemplate the various reasons this possible potential for a relationship failed/succeeded/stalled/etc... but no more. At 40 years old I know that people need what they need. I can't make them happy, I can't be more than I am, I can only be exactly who I know I can be at this very moment (*therapy included). And the strange thing is... the amazing thing is... the fucking astounding thing is this: I am happy being exactly who I am in this moment. Everyone else be damned.

Those who know me know how incredible this is! Do I wish I know what the man I am interested in was thinking? Sure. But if I don't? And it's not what I wanted? Well, guess what... this Lena will live. You have no idea how amazing this concept is.

Lena used to think that the opinions of her family/friends/lovers/partners/etc... meant everything. This new Lena knows that Lena has to live with herself and only herself. Everyone else is secondary. This does not negate importance or love. This just means that I know that I am here to take care of myself. I am happy to be in the company of others but it is not my job to make them happy/rich/ loved/peaceful/important/etc... I can't make anyone happy. I can only take care of myself and hopefully, if I am extremely lucky, I get to complement someone else's strengths and minimize their weaknesses. I can't produce or erase them.

What a concept.

If only these were things I knew as a youngster.

However, I would not trade my life... no matter how unpleasant sometimes... no matter what... because what I have now I appreciate more than most would ever understand. It's astounding.

Getting Away From it All

I highly recommend it.  I am learning that since my trip to Tucson in October that I need, and I mean need to get the hell out of here more often.  Though it is incredible difficult to leave my sweet pup in the hands of someone other than myself, other than that, being gone is freakin' fantastic.  And I mean gone.  As in nowhere near this state.  So far away that I can't be bothered by inane things.  Knowing that I was completely across the country gave me such peace of mind you have no idea.  I had the same feeling in Tucson. 

I had a lovely time on my little excursion.  I had fantastic company for a few days, ate great food, had dinner where they filmed the season finale of the L Word, and just got out of dodge!  I loved it.  I'm ready to go away again right this second! 

I really have learned my lesson.  I need to take care of myself in all ways.  Especially in the area of getting away from it all.  God it was nice. 

Vacation

I am doing something insanely spontaneous and fabulous and probably completely insane.  I decided two nights ago to go visit a friend for four days.  I booked the flight last night and I leave at 7 am on the 4th.  I went on my first vacation in 11 years this past October and here I am just deciding last minute to hop on a plane and go across the country for the hell of it.  I can't decide if I've lost my mind or I am trying to make sure I don't lose it by doing this.  I just need to get out of here.  I will miss my little gimpy girl and that is the only thing I am worried about.  The cats will be fine... hell, they'll be thrilled to have the place to themselves for 4 days. 

I'm so excited.  New lands, new adventures.

Yay!