Over the last few days several friends of mine are going through unpleasant relationship breakups and over the last couple of months I've had friends who have physically injured themselves. A couple have lost pets or had sick ones. Employment has been difficult for my friends and my family. There just seems to be a great deal of tension and sadness and though I am not taking everyone elses pain on myself (been there, done that, nailed it shut) I do feel it and it saddens me. I know I can't fix people and I can't fix situations that have nothing to do with me but no matter what, I do hurt when the people I love, admire, like, respect, etc... are in pain. Whatever kind of pain that might be. I only have myself and pets to take care of and the pets are good... I'm just not doing what I need to do for myself.
This last therapy session really unleashed a great deal of things/concepts/emotions, etc... I really did expect to go in there and have sort of a "So, let's use some Simpson's quotes and giggle about how crazy my mom is and then I'll see you in a couple of weeks when I might have something to talk about." And just when you think it's going to be a dead conversation, all hell breaks loose.
I have let go of so much self-abuse when it comes to my personal/physical/spiritual life. My god the things I said to myself in the mirror and good god at what I told myself all day long. As someone once said to me, "Would you say those things, or even think those things about your best friend?" OH god no! I look at the people I adore and see beauty, intelligence, humor, talent, etc... I would never look at one of them and say "Jesus, how could you possibly allow yourself to walk out the door looking like that hideous?" or "You are simply too fat to live. You really don't deserve to be here." I used to say those things to myself constantly, and trust me, those are quite edited and merely two of the millions. Over time I learned to tell those voices to "shut the fuck up". I still hear some voices that me and Dr. G are working on. Food issues are one of them and of all things, sex came up in a big way this last session. We all have our hangups, be they small or large, and I know mine. They aren't about my body, nor have they ever really been. I figured if someone liked me enough to want to sleep with me, then my body was secondary. I did always think there had to be something terribly wrong with them to want to sleep with that body, but I finally got over that one, too. But yes, we all have sex hangups and he and I really talked mine out and he really opened my eyes to my own 'shut-downs'. I'm so glad I have someone like him to be my mirror and know what questions to ask me so that I can actually see myself.
I've had several men offer to cure me of my hangups and for the first time ever in my life I think I might could allow it. Not just 'say' that I'm allowing it but honestly be open, completely vulnerable and be who I am, which I have to be reminded in this particular area, that I'm not broken.
Anyway, I love you, my friends and you know I'm here if you need anything at all: a backrub, a pep talk about how you are much more than what you think you are, a girl's night to remind you that heartbreak happens, and thank god for it, because seriously, if we didn't open ourselves up to it all, well, how boring our lives would be. You guys have always been there for me... to listen to me babble, read my babbling emails and blogs, nurse me back to health and be there to tell me bad news so I wouldn't be alone.
Again, how lucky am I? I am happy to repay any kindness... I love you.