The Me Yet to Come

Strangely Sad

Over the last few days several friends of mine are going through unpleasant relationship breakups and over the last couple of months I've had friends who have physically injured themselves.  A couple have lost pets or had sick ones.  Employment has been difficult for my friends and my family.  There just seems to be a great deal of tension and sadness and though I am not taking everyone elses pain on myself (been there, done that, nailed it shut) I do feel it and it saddens me.  I know I can't fix people and I can't fix situations that have nothing to do with me but no matter what, I do hurt when the people I love, admire, like, respect, etc... are in pain.  Whatever kind of pain that might be.  I only have myself and pets to take care of and the pets are good... I'm just not doing what I need to do for myself. 

This last therapy session really unleashed a great deal of things/concepts/emotions, etc...  I really did expect to go in there and have sort of a "So, let's use some Simpson's quotes and giggle about how crazy my mom is and then I'll see you in a couple of weeks when I might have something to talk about."  And just when you think it's going to be a dead conversation, all hell breaks loose. 

I have let go of so much self-abuse when it comes to my personal/physical/spiritual life.  My god the things I said to myself in the mirror and good god at what I told myself all day long.  As someone once said to me, "Would you say those things, or even think those things about your best friend?"  OH god no!  I look at the people I adore and see beauty, intelligence, humor, talent, etc...  I would never look at one of them and say "Jesus, how could you possibly allow yourself to walk out the door looking like that hideous?" or "You are simply too fat to live.  You really don't deserve to be here."  I used to say those things to myself constantly, and trust me, those are quite edited and merely two of the millions.  Over time I learned to tell those voices to "shut the fuck up".  I still hear some voices that me and Dr. G are working on.  Food issues are one of them and of all things, sex came up in a big way this last session.  We all have our hangups, be they small or large, and I know mine.  They aren't about my body, nor have they ever really been.  I figured if someone liked me enough to want to sleep with me, then my body was secondary.  I did always think there had to be something terribly wrong with them to want to sleep with that body, but I finally got over that one, too.  But yes, we all have sex hangups and he and I really talked mine out and he really opened my eyes to my own 'shut-downs'.  I'm so glad I have someone like him to be my mirror and know what questions to ask me so that I can actually see myself. 

I've had several men offer to cure me of my hangups and for the first time ever in my life I think I might could allow it.  Not just 'say' that I'm allowing it but honestly be open, completely vulnerable and be who I am, which I have to be reminded in this particular area, that I'm not broken. 

Anyway, I love you, my friends and you know I'm here if you need anything at all:  a backrub, a pep talk about how you are much more than what you think you are, a girl's night to remind you that heartbreak happens, and thank god for it, because seriously, if we didn't open ourselves up to it all, well, how boring our lives would be.  You guys have always been there for me... to listen to me babble, read my babbling emails and blogs, nurse me back to health and be there to tell me bad news so I wouldn't be alone. 

Again, how lucky am I?  I am happy to repay any kindness... I love you.

I Love Dr. G.

So, today was a delightful day.  And yes, that was sarcasm.  Today I went to the dentist and the psychiatrist.  How may people can f*ck with my head in one day?

The dentist made me feel strangely better-- turns out I only need two root canals and two fillings.  Not bad for a woman who hasn't had a serious dental appointment in over a decade.  Then I went to see my psychiatrist.  I really thought that I didn't have much to talk about.  I really thought about canceling my appointment because really, what would we talk about?  As it turns out, the 1.25 hours wasn't really enough.  The man obviously believes in helping me or he wouldn't be there so late and stay with me as long as he does.  I also believe in his ability to help me see things I wouldn't normally see myself.  And today was no exception.  He kept saying that we all have " a particular psychology"... meaning, that there's some common thread that runs through all of our behavior, and when I started really getting to the nitty gritty of it all, it's true:  there is a common thread.  He found it.  After 22 years of searching, he's found the common thread.  I love Dr. G. 

Turns out that no matter what, I am concerned with what other's think.  Yeah, I know.  It seem simple.   But honestly, it's not.  It's not the basic " I wonder what that person thinks about me?" it's more about that concept on a big scale.  What if the person most important to you in your whole life said "If you loved me you'd do ________?"  Now, fill in that blank with the scariest thing you can imagine.  Now also imagine that you are 8 years old.  What would you do? 

Yeah.  It's messed up.  I know that.  I'm ok with that.  I just need to learn to deal with that and put it in it's rightful place.

It's hard.  All of it's hard.  But I know it's worth it.

Who Knew? They Did!

Life.  So simple.  Breathe, enjoy, deal, look forward, learn from the past, enjoy the present.  And then, just when you think you have it all figured out, life throws a wrench into it.  I realize that life takes care of itself:  that nothing I can do can change how others think, act, feel, etc... I only have control over myself.  However, when you feel a connection with someone, for whatever reason, and you've been where they are or at least have an understanding that others might not have, you feel the need to dispense information that might make them understand that life is not always what you think it is. 

I had an experience this weekend that made  me remember when J and I were together and the fact that we had similar insecurities, etc... it gave me comfort and a peace that no one else had ever given me.  Here was someone who knew how I felt, which none of my other friends could understand.  God knows they tried and yes, they had their own problems or issues that were comparable emotionally, but not the same.  J and I had the same issues.  Some friends and I had the same issues, but mine are only mental now.  I'm insecure about my massive amount of scars that make me look like Frankenstein's monster.  I'm horribly insecure and have always been insecure about my radically uneven parts.  Post gastric bypass I am more than insanely insecure about my batwings and side boobs.  I feel like a Salvador Dali painting and unveiling any part of it to anyone is terrifying.  The fear in the pit of my stomach is unbelievable... whether showing my doctor or anyone else.  It's that astounding reality that no matter who we are we all have shit.  Some shit causes us to freeze and not move forward.  Some shit we decide to work through, somehow, some way and make it to the other side with a little more compassion, or, if anything, a little more understanding. 

I also got to have another really amazing experience for this old girl with a new body that still has it's problems.  I was at a beach that attracts a bit of a freakshow.  Panhandler's, people painted silver, street performers of all kinds, and many MANY people in bathing suits wandering the sidewalks.  50% of these people would have been in the category of "Oh no she didn't!"  But she did.  He did.  And they were happy, or at least they were cooler than me who was in long pants and a sweater shrug trying to hide all the unattractive bits of me.  That beach was the first place I've been where I thought "Hey, I would actually walk around here with my bathing suit on... I can definitely say there's worse to be seen."  God, that was nice. 

My life continues to be so freakin' interesting and informative.  All the things that use to cause me such fear... things that caused me to freeze... things that caused me to feel unworthy and unlovable...  well, guess what?!  I was lovable the whole time.  My friends knew it, my family knew it, and my lovers knew it.  I didn't.  God I wasted a great deal of time.  But it brought me to where I am now and I can't regret it. 

Full of Life

First, let me say goodbye to sweet kitty Jack.  His sweet face and mighty furry self will be missed.  I met him as a tiny kitten and have watched him grow into a mighty fine aged kitty man.  I'm sending my love to W and M.  (You know some of us know what you are going through.)

Certain things happen in life that remind you to LIVE.  Tomorrow my niece will be heading away to college.  Eighteen years of life have gone by since she was born.  Hell, almost 19 now.  I remember my sister being handed this little tiny gorgeous creature that was my niece in the hospital right after she was born.  Now my sister is handing her over to Auburn.  I can't fathom it.  Almost 19 years with her have flown by.

So, here I am trying to live.  A lot.  I'm trying to coordinate my trip to see JI again soon.  I spent 11 years not traveling and I do not intend to ever let that happen again.  I'm going to LA to play again next week and then if all goes well, back to see J in late September, early October.  I miss my J and need some time playing with him. I'd love to go to NY to see S since I haven't seen him since my last trip there in 1994.  I'm making sure I live life as a single girl as much as possible and experience all that I didn't in my youth.  I am doing my best to get in as much physical activity as I can, whether that means dancing wildly at a club, doing a work-out DVD at home or working out at the gym.  I am starting to save up my money for the next and hopefully last round of plastic surgery.  I look forward to having the body as close to what I should have had many years ago.  I do know my old body and what it brought made me who I am today, so I don't regret that aspect of myself.  I am ready, however, to shed as much of that old body as possible and learn a little every day how to treat it better than I used to.  I am planning on going to Austria next year and will finally be able to see some of my youth more clearly and meet family who knew my father in childhood. 

Life is not always easy, that's for damn sure.  The amount of change I have had in the past five years is mindblowing and at times it felt like more than I could handle.  But handle it I did.  Did I always do it with grace?  No.  I still do amazingly stupid things and am still trying to find my way in this new life.  The best I can do is do it as honestly as possible.  And therapy sure does help! 

Last weekend I lived so much and with so much vigor I am still recovering and this weekend holds great fun as well.  I've got a date with B tomorrow night and Girl's Brunch II happening on Sunday (mmmm, huevos rancheros, anyone?) and then another fun in the sun day with my sister on Monday.  Then a simple countdown until I get to leave this town and go hang out with a fabulous artist I happen to know.

I'd say I'm living life to the fullest right now.  It's tiring, but it's so much fun.

Good God I'm Tired

Man, what a couple of months it's been.  I am officially pooped!  Work is wearing my ever-lovin' butt out.  I love my new home, I love the people I work with and I love my clients.  The problem is that I can't say 'no'.  So I end up working late.  And then grabbing dinner after I leave work. Then my dog has been neglected.  And I'm too tired to play too hard.  And she won't use her leg so she can't play even though she has this wild ball of energy waiting to come out.  I officially feel like the worst mom ever.  I also need some serious dental work done on Monday if at all possible and I'm clueless as to who can take me on such short notice. 

Mostly I'm just biding my time until I can get out of town again.  Eight days and counting.  Thank god.