First, let me say the temperature tonight is astounding, as is the man in the moon. He's incredibly clear and even when a cloud slinks by, he shines quite brightly. The Trixie is content to guard the front porch and Spike is definitely not content being trapped inside while the little party goes on outside without him.
I am content, but just a tiny bit sad... nostalgic and sad. I had a moment a couple of weeks ago that triggered a really deep feeling for me that I hadn't had in years. I have a friend that I have a very casual relationship with. I met him about a year ago and we hit it off instantly. He's incredibly intelligent, very funny, hot as hell and just a little 'wrong'. He's tattooed everywhere, is in recovery, has lived quite a life and is always working on being a better person a little bit every day, much like I am. There is no 'love' here... a 'friends with benefits' kind of thing, though we really do enjoy each others company.
Anyway, he and I went to a movie a couple of weeks ago and as we both settled in to enjoy our feature presentation, I felt his pinkie on the outside of my thigh. He just sort of brushed my leg with it, and as time went on, his hand moved to my knee and rubbed it sweetly. It was so lovely, so simple and so, well, loving, really. I didn't think much of it, other than that it was a very sweet gesture from a friend until I thought about it the next day.
My stomach sank like a stone. It was so strange. I realized how long it had been since someone who loved me, wanted me, adored me and was smitten by me had done that. And how long it has been since someone I was madly in love with has simply put their hand on my knee with deep affection, not just friendship. The kind of thing where you simply can't NOT touch that person. God I remember that feeling like it was yesterday but man, it's been a long time. I've dated, been romanced by, and enjoyed time spent with men, but it's been a looooooong time since I felt that. I remember the first time I felt it. I was standing behind an ex and I remember just feeling as if his back was a refrigerator and my hands were magnets. They moved there without any thought on my part and he sank into them without any thought either. Such a simple moment, but had such intense feeling behind it and it's been such a strange feeling having that moment conjured up. I really had forgotten what that felt like.
And though it has made me a little melancholy and nostalgic, it has also reminded me how lucky I am to have had that feeling. Some people will never know what it is to be in love. I hope to have it again one day, but if I don't, damn, I am glad I know what I am missing.
Comments