I Had No Plan Beyond the Plan

Well, it's official.  Dr. G saw me cry today.  A year and a half.  That's how long I made it.  Not that I am proud or not proud of that.  Just an interesting Lena statistic.  To Lena, anyway.

Today was pretty intense.  He really helped me see today how little faith I have in myself.  It was never really shown to me by the person I needed to learn it from.  It's amazing that no matter what words were said to me, it seems that it was always what was shown to me that mattered.  As they say, saying and doing are two different things.  The doing is the important stuff.  And I was shown the most fucked up way possible. 

I learned to cope in all the wrong ways and was never really given a background of raising my faith and belief in myself.  Today, with his help, Dr. G helped me see that I had completely surpassed any idea I had of how my life was going to be beyond my surgery 4 years ago.  I really never expected to be this size.  I shop in the "mediums" for Christ's sake!  I never imagined a medium.  I imagined that I would always be overweight, just less overweight than I was.  I never expected to weigh what I did in junior high and one time in high school.  I was as prepared as I could be to be "less overweight" but was completely unprepared, no plan devised, for where I am now.  A medium.  I don't get "medium".  And I'm freaking out. 

I had no plan beyond the plan.

When I was asked what weight I would like to stay, I said a number that is about 10-12 pounds less than I am now.  He said "Do you think you can do that?"  And I blankly stared at him and finally uttered "I don't think so."  He looked just as blankly at me and said "Hmmm.  Interesting.  Where's your faith in yourself?"

I told him I "checked it at the door".  When?  I don't know.  It seems that if you challenge me... tell me I can't do something, well damn it, I will prove you wrong.  But doing something for me?  Something I want?  Eh, not so sure I can.  Where is my faith in myself?  Where can I buy some? 

Having undergone this massive life-changing event in front of so many people is really really intense.  And I don't mean cyberspace.  I mean the hundreds of clients who watched it, my friends, my family, people at the gallery, at my hang-outs, etc... I've done this incredibly intense thing in front of everyone and everyone has been so amazing.  I never thought I'd hear people tell me I was their inspiration.  When someone says that to me my head drops.  I almost can't bear to hear it.  Who am I to be someone's inspiration?  Yes, I know I've lost as much weight as two not-so-small human beings and yes, I realize that I was filleted like a fish and have survived to talk about it.  I rationally know this is amazing.

But I have no faith in myself losing 10 pounds.  I have no faith in myself, period. 

Mind boggling, isn't it?

One of my fave quotes is "Perplexity is the beginning of knowledge". 

I aim to know.  I want to have faith in me.  And I don't want to disappoint anyone who thinks I am an inspiration.  Though right now I don't feel I deserve to be anyone's inspiration, hopefully I will one day. 

Comments

[michelle]

The Lena I have had the pleasure of getting to know is a strong woman and can overcome all things. The faith comes from doing and each step forward you take is proof of your faith, whether you realize it or not. Just keep moving forward.