Oh, the post I could write on this topic. I am pretty sure I am a professional. Self-loathing comes so naturally to me it's amazing, but I will admit, thanks to therapy, self-love comes far more easily than it used to, but damn that self-loathing, it comes far faster and easier.
There is a great deal happening in my life right now and I know that certain things would make me feel much better and help me through the hardships with a little more grace and ease. Am I doing them? Hell no. Hence the self-loathing.
My 50 year old brother is suffering from early onset dementia which is rapidly escalating. You never know which part of his brain is going to short circuit next so it's always a crapshoot on how he's doing from one day to the next. My 52 year old sister has finally, after 9 months of sheer hell, been diagnosed with a tumor of the parotid gland. She's suffered and continues to suffer pain that no one can imagine, suffice it to say that the tumor has caused what is called "The Suicide Disease", meaning most who get it kill themselves because they simply cannot handle the pain of it. And to make it better, my brother is living with her. And to make it even better, my brother is going through a divorce. We have in some ways become willing participants in his divorce and in other ways, unwilling. So basically, my family is suffering a cluster fuck of epic proportions.
To get me through this craziness, I am resorting to old school habits, i.e. overeating, drinking, not exercising, etc... and what is so frustrating is that I had gotten myself into such an amazing place with the exercising. Thanks to the stress and my weakness when stressed, I haven't walked since Monday, nor have the dogs, and that is unacceptable. I'm just frozen, wallowing in sadness and misery, and stuck in this place or horror. There will be no end to most of it, except for death, and it's a matter of waiting to find out the status of my sister's tumor so that I can deal with the reality of that situation. (Please pray that it's a benign tumor and the outcome is good. Please?!)
I am struggling with self-loathing over so many different subjects: I am a horrible sister because I am not taking my brother out of my sister's house and making him my burden instead of hers. I am being a bad sister to my brother because I chastise him for behaviors that he may or may not be able to control at this point. I am a bad person for being selfish and thinking that I could lose both of my siblings in just a matter of a few years. I am a bad person for not wanting to deal with the responsibility and horror of that. I am a bad person because I am financially making poor choices in an effort to keep myself happy and other's afloat instead of myself afloat and not in debtors prison. I am a bad person for allowing all the craziness to impede on my fitness goals. I am a bad person for allowing myself to careen out of control with my food. I am a bad person for using food and alcohol to try and dampen the horrors in my life. I am a bad person for letting my house go to crap while I freak out about whats happening. Basically, it's just all fucking bad in my head and I'm making so many bad choices in response to it.
Sigh. Ok, I feel a little better getting some of the crap out of my head and onto the "page".
Wow, this makes me sound like such a treat! Such is life, I suppose.